You can discern your motives from the outside in by asking yourself a few questions. It’s not easy to be self-aware in such moments. When a conversation turns crucial, our mind and emotions can often get hijacked and we resort to silence or verbal violence. The next step is to become aware of the motive that’s possessing you. So, step one is to recognize that you are the solution to any conversational challenge you face. As much as others may need to change, or we may want them to change, the only person we can continually inspire, prod, and shape-with any degree of success-is the person in the mirror. This insight brings with it true personal power. They believe that the best way to work on “us” is to work on “me.” They realize not only that they are likely to benefit by improving their own approach, but also that the only one they can influence anyway is themselves. Those who are best at dialogue turn this logic around. It’s our dogmatic conviction that “if we could just fix those losers, all would go better” that keeps us from taking action that could lead to dialogue and progress. The first step is to stop believing that others are the source of all our problems. Thus, Start with Heart means to address your motives first, and then make sure they’re visible to others. Once you’ve established good intent it’s important to convey it. Or it may appear as though we wanted to punish our team rather than help them. For example, they may wonder whether we cared more about looking good than finding solutions. The other challenge is that others can often misinterpret our motives when stakes are high and opinions vary. To Start with Heart, you’ll want to do three things:Īs already mentioned, our motives deteriorate before our behavior does, and in crucial moments we often don’t notice this. Get your motives right, better dialogue will follow. In other words, motives influence behavior. Eventually, what we are thinking, feeling, and wanting will impact the conversation. We can quickly go from wanting to learn and understand to wanting to win, be right, and defend ourselves-and usually we don’t even notice it. The first thing that degrades in a Crucial Conversation isn’t our behavior but our motives. To hold a successful Crucial Conversation, we need to Start with Heart. The outcomes of your Crucial Conversations are largely determined by what you do before you even open your mouth.
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